Community, Fostering, Uncategorized

Spotlight on the Mommas : Keeping Siblings Together

Guys, you will LoVe Becky. She is the real deal. There is nothing coming out of this woman that is less than 1000%. She lives in the present and celebrates the little things like it’s going out of style. She is Momma to 4 kiddos, a compassionate IR nurse and wife to the mailman. She may look like the nice neighbor next door, but there is FIRE in her!

Becky’s pretty darn cool and not just because of the snow or serious adventuring with her first born

How did you decide you wanted to foster to adopt? (Were you and your hubby always on the same page?) Ryan and I always wanted a large family (we’re both 1 of 5 kids – he’s the oldest and I’m the youngest of our families) but pregnancies were HARD. We had a difficult time getting pregnant, and then with our oldest I was in bedrest from 18-34 weeks due to a subchorionic hemorrhage (bleeding behind the placenta which threatened the pregnancy). The second one I was also on bedrest for a complete placenta previa (the placenta was over my cervix) and then she developed heart problems and passed away in utero, her delivery was precarious and we were advised that I’d most likely die during delivery…niiiiiiiice. Did I mention she delivered our anniversary? Ha! We know how to do things! Our third was also bedrest from 10 -24 weeks and then we had a crash c-section during delivery at 37 weeks because I had a concealed abruption and Cy (our son) nearly bled out in utero. Our fourth pregnancy we miscarried at 10 weeks. All of this to say, I had a dysfunctional uterus, it was a miracle ANYTHING survived me gestating it, and after our pregnancies we knew we were DONE trying for bio kids. BUT we also knew we needed time to heal. So, after after a SEEK fast at Radiant Church, God brought adoption back to our hearts individually. We ended up talking about it, and it was amazing that God had laid adoption on both of our hearts during that same season. We considered foreign adoption, domestic adoption but NEVER infant adoption. (Ha! We were DONE with diapers!) After praying longer about it, we realized were being led to adopt from foster care. Honestly, that first info meeting about foster care, we were surprised. (I think we were the only ones in the room that didn’t know you received a monthly stipend to care for the kids you fostered! Like shocked!). We entered foster care intending to take in kiddos that needed a forever family, and the first two kids placed with us did become ours after a LONG year and a half.

How did you decide to foster/decide what ages and how many at a time? We wanted siblings that were younger than our oldest child (preserving birth order). So at the time that meant any sibling set of 1-3 kids, ages 4-9, boys or girls. We knew the older kids were harder to place and much harder to place together and we wanted to be able to keep siblings together.

How was the licensing process? How long did it take? What helped you during all the inspections/ paperwork? The licensing process for us was HORRIBLE! They lost our total volume of paperwork…like ALL of it… not once but TWICE! Ryan and I agree that we think they lost it a third time but then found it. We were so done with it all that I had taken forty days to pray about it, and then called the agency to tell them we were out. It was that phone call that changed everything and kept us “in the game”. It must have been a Holy Spirit led conversation on the other end because I found myself saying we’d stay in it to get licensed when I had been adamant that we would not continue the process before the phone call took place. I’m so glad we prayed. I’m so glad He moved!

How do your bio kids feel about fostering/adopting? (How do they help? What’s hard? Where do each of you shine?) Our bio kids…hmm. They’ve taken it well, but it’s been hard. A lot of sacrifice involved. I’m not sure how to explain what they’ve gone through other than it takes a lot of dying to yourself to make room for others to occupy your home and family and lives and not swing through all of the emotions. I think all four of them now just treat one another like siblings….it’s becoming blissfully normal…and I am thankful. Recently I took our new teenager on a surprise trip to Colorado for her birthday. She just needed that one on one time to be appreciated and loved on without the pressure of everyone and everything. I didn’t realized how much she’d need that until we were gone together. Intentionally. I’ve realized how intentional we’ve needed to be to make each kid feel seen and loved. We plan on more of that coming along.

And what no one tells you about foster care and adoption is how much it takes for a family to recover. It’s been a year and a half since we adopted, and we’re just now hitting our stride and coming up for air. Normalcy takes time. Healing from trauma (our adopted kids, our bio kids, our’s) it takes time. And when you invite trauma into your home, you ALL walk through it together, you all die a little together, and it’s hard. It’s beautiful. It’s good. But you feel like you’re drowning for awhile. Is it worth it? Absolutely. We wouldn’t change a thing. But is it hard? Harder than anything we could have conceived. But again, is it worth it? Always. A year and a half, and we feel like we’re just coming back to finding ourselves. It’s new, it’s better, it’s hard, but it’s good. AND it takes grace. Grace for ourselves, and grace from others.

Why yes, they are REAL children who make faces at the camera and don’t always get along. They’re true siblings.

How do you stay connected in your marriage and as a family? Praise be to JESUS we don’t need a babysitter anymore! Ryan and I have reinstated date night once a week and it has been a game changer! We need that time away together, and to reconnect. And the thing that helps us grow as a family, honestly, is going to church together, having dinner together and praying as a family. Psalm 126 seems to be the story of our family AND the cry of our hearts.

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negeb! Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126 : 1-6

Do you have a family photo to share? Well we have two! The first Gotcha Day photo is ours, and the second is from our kiddos Little sister’s Gotcha Day. So our story takes an odd turn in that there are three kiddos from the sibling set, but Angel went into foster care with another family. When we got the phone call about Genesis and Breanna we were told there were only two, but then a couple of days later we found out that there was a third. She was 7 months old when she went into foster care, and the caseworker said she could be ours too, if we wanted her. So we prayed about it and asked questions about the other family and how well bonded she was. We found out that Angel was doing well and THRIVING with them and that the other family had bonded with her also – it just didn’t set right with us to rip her out of their arms. God had a different story. And we love it! So instead of adopting her to keep her with her biological siblings, both of our families adopted each other! All four of my kids call Angel’s parents “Aunt” and “Uncle” and call the other kids their cousins (except for Angel who G and Bre obviously call their sister). Angel’s adoption day was also the day they got her baptized and they asked Ryan to be her Godfather. So, we all become one big family and see each other as much as we can. Talk about being grafted into one another! God is so incredible.

Ya’ll! I love how separate families in the same community can connect to make one big family, because it takes a village and sometimes even TWO villages to raise a child!! These kiddos have double the love, double the birthday presents and double the siblings because one family was willing to listen to God and hear HIS ideas for their story and not just what made sense or felt “right.” I’m so thankful for Becky so generously sharing all these pieces of her heart and her story. I love how God is using her story to inspire others and encourage us all to lean in and hear God speak!

Community, Hearing from God, HOPE, Prayer, Uncategorized

Powerful Prayer Part 4 ~ What To Do When Doubt Creeps In

Well now that you’re becoming a crazy prayer WARRIOR, you’ll undoubtedly join the ranks of those who’s faith has fallen and risen again and fallen and risen again. The truth of the matter is: The more you pray, the more likely you are to see miracles (yay!!) and the more likely you are to have questions, fears and doubt.

I love this quote from Shauna Niequist’s Savor:

“The  question is not, will my life be easy or will my heart break? But rather, when my heart breaks, will I choose to grow?”

We all have our moments of doubt. We start to think that maybe God doesn’t want to answer our prayer, or maybe He just won’t. Maybe it’s Him, maybe it’s us, but for some unknown and invisible reason, the answer is no. Honestly, the bigger your faith is, the bigger your questions will become – which is good! With questioning, and voicing our fears, comes a strengthening of our beliefs as we seek the word of God and our faith community for the answers. This actually deepens our resolve in what we believe and why – instead of just taking it at face value.

Buuuuuuut, what do we often do when faced with dissappointment, fear or doubt? We have a little temper tantrum. Yep, so often when I see my youngest lay herself down on the floor for a good scream or stamp that little foot and scrunch up her face into a pout, I think: I bet that’s what I look like when I hear “no” from God, haha!

So as I tell Miss Mya so often “Please, just use your words to tell me how you feel!” And I put on my big girl britches and “choose to grow”. I tell God my doubt and fear. Sometimes this process takes me days. The worries or anger oozes out of me from so many unknown places I never realized it had been building up so much! Sometimes it’s one good cry or shouting session and I can feel the release of my angst and put words to my fear to see it’s only that: fear. There’s no truth in it at all!

OK, but what if your fear and doubt is beyond words? What if those lies have run so deep that they’re mixed up with truth and experience and perhaps even trauma (eek!) and you have nowhere to begin and no way to start? What if you feel hopeless about a thing you hold so dear and it hurts to talk about it – even to God? What if you’re scared or lost or broken or fragile? I think we may all have such an area or season in our hearts if we are truly being honest. You are not the first, nor the last to enter this place.

This is where I have found 3 things to be helpful. (Hint: they all start with my own humility!) Essentially, I admit that I have nothing- not even the words to express my heart. I alone have no power to bring change to the world or my situation and I honestly cannot even change my beliefs. If you are still in the struggle and haven’t reached the bottom yet, this is a difficult thing! If you’re already at ground zero, it somehow seems a little easier. So, on to three things:

#1 : The Fake-It-‘Till-You-Make-It Approach

Maybe it’s not even faking anything, but just pressing forward in the direction you want to go whether you feel it or not! I surround myself with truth. I want to move toward faith so I listen to speakers of faith. I spend time with people who have big faith! I post scripture on every surface of my room/house/car/office and read or listen to TRUTH on auto-pilot until some of the thoughts I’ve chosen to “fake” become my own. (Does this qualify as self-brainwashing? If so, it works!)

#2 : Praying Scripture/Praying in the Spirit.

When I have no words, I have nothing to pray. I admit, I don’t have the answers or the solution and I get to a point where I don’t even know what I’m asking for anymore. This is where the Bible says “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” (Romans 8:26-27) These groanings of the Spirit can be so many things. Sometimes my creative side comes through and I can paint, draw or even dance. Sometimes praying in tongues is a way to allow the spirit to do the talking and my heart finds peace. Another way is to play some soaking music and allow the Lord to speak as you rest in His presence. Just allow yourself to be.

Praying scripture is the most powerful way to fight the enemy. There is nothing stronger (especially when I have no words) than the very word of God! Our pastor just gave an incredible sermon referencing this very thing and it might just be the truth you need to fake-till-you-can-make-it! Another great resource for Praying Scripture is Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word. Her book is an incredible list of scriptures organized by topic. If you want to pray for your marriage/anxiety/co-worker, she’s got God’s word ready for you to search and speak. I encourage you to seek the scripture and find a verse, story, or chapter that speaks to where you are right now and pray that! Our pastor gave Psalm 32 and 51 as launching points for prayer and it’s a great place to start.

#3 : Worship & Thankfulness

Worship while we’re waiting, of course! Worship fills my mind and the atmosphere around me with hope even when I’m not feeling it. It’s true that silence can be healing as well, but perhaps a balance of both is what you need?

Thankfulness is a practice of positivity. If I’ve been focusing on the negative, just naming three things I’m thankful for will switch my brain and change the focus from “Woe is me” to “Whoa, I’m blessed!” There is loads of actual research supporting this, but I’m sure you’ve heard it. Play the “Glad Game” you Pollyanna fans!

Now I have a choice, I’ve unloaded on God. (I often view it as a spew or vomit, but perhaps you’d prefer to see it as leaving baggage or burdens at the feet of a wise and capable King.) I’ve surrounded myself with what I WANT to believe and chosen to look for the good. So what next? I can leave His presence and I am truly better for the time I’ve spent. I feel lighter and less overcome already. OR I can stay there. I can choose to let Him speak truth over me. I can listen for the refreshing truth that replaces those ugly burdens. This practice can change the way my brain works to renounce those lies in the FUTURE too! I want to prevent myself from coming back to this place of doubt and despair.

Hebrews 6:19-20 The Message (MSG)

“We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It’s an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us…”

No matter which avenue you choose, (one or all three!) just keep moving forward. Do what needs to be done so that you are choosing to GROW. As long as we trust God and HIS plan, we will come out as victors- no matter how long it takes to get there and how much “faking” it takes to finally believe.

So what are you trusting God for? What fight are you holding out hope for? What brings you back from a place of doubt? Please share so we can all stand together in faith and even benefit from other’s great ideas!!